so what?

I’ve been contemplating writing about religion, my sexuality, my marriage and my life as a mom but every time I get down to it I start to think about the people who might read this and just judge every little thing I type. Then I start to think about how I would be wasting my time on my CPU, typing about my thoughts and what not’s and that no one cares. I don’t know why I let those thoughts get me down but they do. I’m here now and ready to talk. More like, type and hope that I’m not alone.

Religion

I absolutely don’t care if you don’t believe the same way as I do as long as we are both respectful and still loving. The world is filled with people of different beliefs and religions. Whether you follow a religion or spirituality is up to you. I’ve been struggling for a while now with admitting the truth of my religious belief. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe there is a savior for every one whether its Buddha or Jesus. Both came to save us (in my opinion.)

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Sexuality

I feel like as a mom and wife I’m not allowed to talk openly about my sexuality because it isn’t “lady like” or doesn’t matter because you’re a wife and a mom. However, having those thoughts is like “the man” telling you what to do because they control everything. (haha.) Anyway, I like everyone. All genders. Yes, I am married to a person who identifies as a male. However, I am capable of being attracted to people outside my marriage just as anyone else is. ūüėõ (it’s called appreciating human species lol.)

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Marriage

This year has been the toughest year for our marriage. I got my heart broken and felt like our marriage was over but through prayer, therapy and counseling We were able to grow from it. Now, I’m falling in love again and it’s exciting.

Mom Life

Being a mom is weird. I love it. I love Calvin and I love watching him grow and learn new words. (he can say A-E in spanish!) He’s a character and he makes me laugh so much. Also, drives me crazy! (lol.) There was a time I took Calvin to the beach and he was eating blueberries. A bee landed on his hand with the blueberry and he chomped on the bee & the bee died but didn’t sting him. It was insane and Calvin just laughed. lol. I was freaking out and ran to the car with Calvin. lol.

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Anyway,

Hopefully I can blog a few times a month about these things. I’m not giving advice just typing out the things that are happening in my life.

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low self-esteem

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I have low self esteem. I do this thing where I cling to ideas of other people. I have been a people please-r. I did things so people would like me. All in all, I just want to be loved. Everyone deserves love not because there is a god and not because you are a good person. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. Loved not matter what. Loved with pimples and no make up. Loved with tattoos and piercings. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally and everyone deserves to feel that love and understand that love.

Love makes you do crazy things. Love can be the storm. Love can be the peace after the storm. Love is loud. Love is quiet. Love so great can move mountains.

Love unconditionally and let people love you for you.

p.s. I like these chairs and these awkward photos of me using my self-timer while doing laundry for three at the laundromat.

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p.s.s thanks to the chapas for this photoshop picture. ^.^

color changing hair.

img_20161227_140813_475It’s 2017 and my hair is mostly green.

In the last few weeks of 2016 I decided to go off the deep end and finally do something I’ve always wanted to do but felt like the time wasn’t right. Well the time is right and I did it. I went to my good friend who is also a hair stylist and she dyed my hair blonde then blue and green with a little bit of purple. I love it.

If you notice the women in your life usually change their hair color or style when something happens. Good or bad. As for me, I had signed up for classes again after having the summer and fall semesters off. I am signed up for 5 classes. 2 online and 3 in person. I am beyond excited but also a little scared. I know I can do it with the help of Josh cheering me on like he does best.

During my time off I discovered a lot about myself. I went to several counseling sessions and will continue to do so. I understand not a lot of people agree with going to counseling for mental illness but it’s helping me.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (ppd) after having C.J. It wasn’t him. It was me or is me. I’m gonna be very selective with what I say here because I know a few people who are reading will most likely jump down my throat for typing this out although I feel like I need to close the door of my ppd season. This is how I will close that door.

PPD sucks. Crying. Not being able to feel love. Feeling hopeless. Sad. regretting every decision I ever made. Feeling lumpy. depressed. not being able to relate to the happy moms on Facebook. I did not have a good few months but I feel like I did my best with Calvin with the help of Josh, his parents, my mom, Roel, Giovanna and Jon Rau. They all made sure I was able to live freely and openly without judgment. They are the best.

As I began to open myself up to my counselors I received a lot of clarity and I feel like I was given a purpose in life again.

Yes, I lost track of my purpose. I lost track of me. I didn’t have a great pregnancy and I didn’t have a great few months with being a new mom. I know I could’ve been more positive or prayed a little more but that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t be fixed with a few good words or praying to a god I no longer feel connected with. (that feels good to say out loud and to type out.) I understand now that it is 100% okay to say “hey my life sucks right now.” even if someone else doesn’t feel the same about MY life (because that’s a thing people do.)

Which I appreciate when people care. I appreciate when people share their concerns about our life or when they try to help. We both appreciate it. Although, when you don’t /actually/ care, you say you do but your actions don’t show it- it’s kinda hard to hear from you. This isn’t about anyone specific either. I am eating my own words too because I can be the same way.

All in all, this past year has been the toughest but the best. Josh is a great husband and dad. C.J. is the best baby I could have ever imagined and I am finally at a place in my life where I love the skin I am in.

Thank you to Josh for being there for me and with me every step of the way. Thank you to our family and friends for loving me, encouraging me and supporting me. I hope I am able to write more this year but if I don’t then I don’t.

Y’all have a great year ‚̧

to my husband

hey josh,

I’ve expressed my feelings for you many times in person but I’ve decided to blog about them this time.

In a few days or moments we are going to be parents. Can you believe it? Yeah… I guess I can too. ;p

I can wait though and the only reason I say I can wait is because I am going to miss us. Not like we are gonna vanish once we have a kid but most of our time will be towards raising an adult. I am glad we are doing this together though.

I am going to miss our wine and cheese afternoons.

I am going to miss making burritos for days.

I am going to miss taking lots of pictures of the cats.

I am going to miss our trips to Austin.

I am going to miss going to Traders Village just for elote and licuados.

I am going to miss lots of things.

I am so grateful to have had many moments alone with you and for the many moments to come when Calvin arrives. You are going to be the best dad you can be and I can’t wait to co-parent with you. I love you so much.

I’d say more but we both know I’d ramble and blab things I probably shouldn’t say on the internet.

With that said…

I’ll miss you, Josh, my husband. I can’t wait to get to know, Josh, my husband and father to my child.

illmissus

Accomodations

We are days away from meeting Calvin Jon Pinkerton & I’ve decided to open up my blog again. The past several months have been chaotic, emotional and fun for Josh and I.

As some of you know, I started the fall semester pregnant and ended up being invited to join the honor’s society for collegiate scholars (ooOoo lala.) Now, I am finishing¬†my pregnancy while still attending HCC full time with the help of accomodations (thank the legal gods.) This school semester has been a roller-coaster on it’s own. So many surprises and lots of emotional distress.

On February 14th, Josh and I took Michelle (Josh’s mom) out for Valentine’s dinner and we ended up in a 4 car pile up which totaled Josh’s car. I was sitting in the back seat, Josh was driving and Michelle was in the passenger seat. The airbags went off, we were all wearing our seat belts and it was one of the most traumatic events that I’ve experienced in my twenties. We went to the hospital afterwards to make sure CJ was a-okay. While at the hospital I started to have contractions and I was given two shots to stop them. I advised the nurse that I did not want to have to go into labor unless I absolutely had too. Luckily, I was given those shots (which I didn’t enjoy because of the side effects.)and the contractions subsided. About 5 hours later we were out and headed home.

At the beginning of our pregnancy I didn’t know how CJ could have survived. We had spent the last 6 weeks (his first 6 weeks) road tripping, dancing, hiking, jumping on trampolines, drinking margies and beer… I didn’t think I’d get this far in my pregnancy. (Don’t give me shit for thinking that either please and thank you.) So After this big accident, I still couldn’t believe how much of a fighter CJ is.

About a month later, I had a Dr appointment and my sisters came with me. Afterwards, we went to Gringos for lunch and headed back to my house because I needed to get to class. We were stopped at the toll. I had just paid and I was about to drive off when the guy behind me rear ended me. There was zero damage but of course. I was still shaken up from the last accident. I froze. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk. I just froze. We took down the young man’s information and I headed home to Josh then we went to the hospital. Again. I got through the check up and CJ was yet again, a-okay. He was moving around a lot and kicking. I had the minimal contractions but nothing big. About an hour later I was discharged.

After this event I decided I needed to tell Calvin Jon via email everything he’d gone through during his time in my womb. I read a quote the other day that really hit me that’s pertaining to birth¬†and death… “Birth always looks like death from the other side..” which is unbelievably true. Of course, we can’t interview anyone who has come straight out of the womb otherwise this is the best interpretation¬†to describe the process of birth and death.

All in all, our¬†pregnancy story¬†has been a roller-coaster of life changing events. Every birth story is different. Every pregnancy is different. And that is something I can never forget and won’t forget.

Also, I’m two days past my due date. We are all waiting on Calvin Jon to make his appearance any day now.

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pregnant

It’s been a month and four days since I last posted and oh so much has changed since then.

I’ve received tons of support and backlash from my last blog post.

People shoving it in my face saying, “ill pray for you” or “you should check out my church its nothing like those other churches” or “just because you got hurt doesn’t mean god isn’t good.” no shit? No Shit!

To the people who’ve assumed I’m some sort of atheist now- please stop.

You think I’ve given up on God because I’m mad at him? No. You are wrong.

You can be mad at someone but still love them. Did you know that? Did you know that human beings are capable of having feelings and shit?

So to calm everyone’s tits I’m not an atheist. I am mad at God and my heart is slowly healing from the bitterness.

Will I attend church again? Probably not anytime soon or the near future.

Will I still pray and listen to worship music? What the fuck is it to you what I do?

(I’ll relax with the curse words but it just makes it more evident to people when you use them plus its funny because i know there are pastors and super christians out there reading this and every time i curse on my blog you read it and have to curse in your head. haha so mean, lucy!)

To the people who have emailed me and met with me to apologize for everything that was done in the past… we’ve spoken. I would like to publicly thank you though. Thanks for reading my blog and keeping up with me through it. I won’t be your friend on facebook or follow you on twitter or instagram but knowing you read my blog and care that much even after the hurtful things i’ve said on here shows me that you really care. and nothing more.

To the people who’ve thrown their expectations at me and only talk to me when you have a bible study at your house or some sort of church event you want me to come too. I see your intentions and I reject them.

After I wrote the bitter daze blog I found out about 2 weeks after I was pregnant.

I thought it was so ironic how everything has followed suit since then.

That blog was a monumental change for me. The moment I found out I was pregnant was an even bigger monumental change for me.

I’d like to think God was saying, “child i hear you. I’d be upset if i had to go through all that shit too. but you gotta understand I still love you and i feel like the only way you could possible know that is if you had a child and felt what it’s like to be parent and raise kid.” I know i know. so silly but that’s how I’d like to think God would talk to me.

so with that said,

Josh and I are having a baby. I’m 9 wks 5 days today. My emotions are so up and down and my nose has betrayed me. I crave pickles and snowcones constantly. I eat fruit more and more each day. I can’t really eat meat and I’ve basically become a vegan against my own will. Baby Pinkerton is loved though. That’s all that matters. Oh and I’m good. I have my first appointment on monday and have lots of questions. Josh’s been so good to me and taking care of the cleaning and stuff. He’s the best.

Anyway,

That’s all I have to say for now.

Thanks for reading folks!

P.s. school is going great. stressful but great for Josh & I!

too far

School starts back up for josh & I in two wks.

I am nervous but excited.

The reason I needed to clear my mind about that last blog was because I’m about to learn a lot more shit and I don’t have room for those feelings in my heart or mind anymore.

Here’s to learning, being teachable and accepting.

bitter daze.

I am mad at God.

For a lot a reasons. Some I would rather keep private. But some I need to share publicly so I can move forward.

At a young age, I was exposed to God & the church.

Church was my hiding place. I would volunteer week after week. Pass out flyers, help out on bus routes to & from church on Wednesday’s, clean the buses etc etc If anyone needed help I was there to help.

I was about 9 or 10 when I started volunteering at kid’s church.

When I was 12 I started interning at church camp, by myself. I saved all my birthday money and did my own fundraisers at school. (I would sell candy to my classmates.) Whatever it took, right?

During my time at church camp (I interned for 5 summers) I knew who I wanted to be, I knew what I wanted to do and nothing and no one was going to stop me.

I knew I wanted to be a student at the bible college during the fall.

I knew I wanted to be on summer staff at the church camp during the summer.

I knew I wanted to be on full time staff at the bible college, church and church camp.

So I did.

I made the commitment to myself and to God to be faithful to the place who raised me to be confident, graceful, faithful and a hard worker.

At 17 years old, I left my mom’s apartment in Pasadena and went on to Columbus where I would attend bible college with a lot of my closest friends whom I grew up with at the camp. Eventually I found my “niche” running sound & stayed on staff for 3 and a half years. Countless hours, thousands of people on campus and most of all, very. little. pay. But hey, I didn’t need money because I had God, right? He’ll help me out, right? Put all your faith in the Lord & He will provide and protect you.

When I decided to leave I was 20. I had a plan and it immediately fell through 2 weeks before I was suppose to leave. Luckily, I had a friend in Conroe who allowed me to rent out her extra room. I stayed for 6 months.

It was a weird time in Conroe. I tried to be apart of my friends church. I volunteered as a Sunday school teacher (came up with lesson plans and games for toddlers) and assisted in the youth ministry. I helped with sound as well.

I eventually was hired by this local women’s¬†ministry. They were familiar with the bible college, church camp and church I used to work at so I immediately gained favor with the director. I became one of her assistants.

I got to travel with her, be /used/ at the thrift store the ministry owned at and at the shelter for juvenile girls.

It was fun but demanding of a spiritual lifestyle. which was not a problem for me at the time. I could dedicate my life to that just as I did for the camp and bible college.

After 6 months, a close friend of mine invited me to La Porte to meet her youth and pastors. I was hoping to get a job at her church so I could be closer to my mom.

I got the job. I was with the church in La Porte for a year and a half. During my time there I did a lot. It was ministry so I was at the church more than I was anywhere else. I didn’t mind because I was apart of the church. apart of something “bigger than myself.” I was needed. and I loved being needed. Who doesn’t?

I was young, passionate about God, people and I was “taken care of” by the church.

All while I was working at the church I had my inner demons. I started drinking (not heavily just for fun & it was occasionally) with friends (some who worked at the church as well.) Am I proud of that? No- did I care? Of course. I told my mentor and pastors wife about it.

I had hoped to get some sort of forgiveness/acceptance¬†from¬†this but that wasn’t the case in my opinion.

BREAK

Man, I am mad at God.

I am mad at myself.

All the time I spent serving faithfully. not complaining. Just saying yes sir or yes ma’am to my elders. God forbid you talk back you’d be disowned & looked down upon. I wanted to be looked up too like all the other people on the stage. But it turns out.¬†You have to be a really really really good puppet to be on a stage.

I was a puppet behind the scenes, though.

*Ouch. that hurt but it’s true.*

Back to La Porte.

Like I said before I was hoping to receive some sort of forgiveness and/or acceptance but I didn’t receive it. Because I admitted my faults to leadership it was used against me. (the leadership in this picture will most likely disagree but this is my point of view and I need to get this out like I said before.)

Never have I ever realized truly how evil people can be.

I did everything I was told. I did it with what I thought was excellence because that’s how I was taught.

But since I confessed my wrong doings I felt I was /shunned/. Even before when I left the bible college I grew up at. I felt shunned.

Shunned by the church. Shunned by the people who I grew up with. I felt like I was outcasted because I wanted to explore the world.

I wanted to see everything God created. I wanted to meet all of Gods people. I wanted to help where help was needed. I wanted to share God’s faithfulness.

But now… Now I am mad at myself and God.

I can’t bring myself to attend a church. I can’t even hang out or talk to my christian friends.

Why? because their sole belief is that “god is good all the time” no.

no he’s not good.

he’s created shitty people.

people who take advantage of young people who truly wanted to help.

maybe I’m just talking crazy but honestly if I’m crazy then that’s okay.

I am mad at God because I spent my entire fucking life serving him. Worshiping him. Giving him everything I had even when I had shit nothing. It might break your heart like it’s broken mine to type all this out but dude.

I believe I gave everything and every inch my heart, mind and soul to him.

and Here I am.

mad. mad at the people I let in my life who I let use me. mad at the bible college i grew up at because no one there actually ever cared about me. maybe it’s just my daddy issues reflecting and that’s why I am so mad?

Either way.

My heart is cold towards the church and God.

I don’t know when or how my heart will “melt” but right now.

I am mad.

Keep your heart guarded. Keep your mind open. & don’t believe the hype.

Starting and Finishing

Many moons ago, I said yes to Jesus. I said yes to what he had in store for me. I followed and heeded to his voice. I put my heart and soul into ministry, to his people & his work. I guarded my heart and my dreams, accordingly but that wasn’t all I was supposed to do.

Over a few months, I lost sight of what God called me to do when I was 16 years old. I lost track of what my purpose was and is. Which happens to everyone. God is faithful though. He still loves me. He still hears me. He is still with me. Since 2015 has started I decided I needed to get my life in order.

Of course when you line up with the word of God in your heart and mind, chaos follows. God is faithful though. From funerals to baby showers and weddings, my emotions have been a bit all over the place. I want to celebrate the life given on earth and the lives who are celebrating in Heaven but you know what? It’s hard. God is faithful though. When life is the hardest, it’s easy for those who know you and love you unconditionally to pray and support you. Whether it be with a funny picture or cute pictures of animals or reminding them of the good times you had with those people. I do have to say there were tears of joy and tears of brokenness but nonetheless The Holy Spirit came in with a great wind of peace over my heart and mind.

As part of getting my life in order, I took on a new job opportunity (since September 2014) & I enrolled in college. My current job is being a nanny for some of the most challenging and beautiful kids. I realized that teaching is a gift that’s been given to me so I am attending college to become an elementary teacher. Once, I accomplish being a 3rd grade teacher, I plan on making my way up to the administration side of education. Hopefully, by being a superintendent when I’m in my late-30’s. If the superintendent career doesn’t work out then who knows, maybe I’ll open up my own school. ūüėõ

I started the semester in January with a 4 wk math class & now I am taking Intro to Education & an English class. So far, I am being challenged but I love it.

On February 18th, 2015, I made a decision. That decision is, “today I say yes to Jesus and everything that he has to offer me today.” No, I am not perfect. No, I will not immediately start attending a local church. No, I will not stop using curse words every day. No, I will not stop drinking wine. You can look up to me and ask me for advice and I will be honest with you. That is the best I can do though. If you look up to me & are disappointed with my actions. I am not sorry. I am a human. I make mistakes. I do whats best for myself and for my family. By the way, my family has increased.

I would like to welcome Munchie Pinkerton to the Pinkerton Family! He’s a 9 week old Blue heeler. His favorite toy is a pink and red love monster & a plastic pineapple. He likes to munch on everything and everyone. He’s friendly and tries to bark at dogs bigger than him. He loves running after Josh and myself & he started puppy training this past Sunday. I hope every one gets to meet him one day because he’s super fluffy and cute! Check out my instagram for more photos!

Back to the main focus of today’s blog. Every day is new. God forgives, God loves, & God is faithful.

Thank you Jesus for giving me another chance to live for you.

A Clean House and A Clean Heart

Jami Garcia

As most of you know, my summer is FULL. When I say FULL, I mean 67 days straight of high energy Jesus with thousands of kids and teens in my backyard. Signs, Miracles, and Wonders are something I experience daily. Not to mention the abundance to Ice Cream, Candy, Toys, Go-Karts, Waterslides, Rockwall, Archery. You name it, we probably have (except for anything I didn’t list… You get the point). Here’s a sneak peek of what my summer looked like!

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