bitter daze.

I am mad at God.

For a lot a reasons. Some I would rather keep private. But some I need to share publicly so I can move forward.

At a young age, I was exposed to God & the church.

Church was my hiding place. I would volunteer week after week. Pass out flyers, help out on bus routes to & from church on Wednesday’s, clean the buses etc etc If anyone needed help I was there to help.

I was about 9 or 10 when I started volunteering at kid’s church.

When I was 12 I started interning at church camp, by myself. I saved all my birthday money and did my own fundraisers at school. (I would sell candy to my classmates.) Whatever it took, right?

During my time at church camp (I interned for 5 summers) I knew who I wanted to be, I knew what I wanted to do and nothing and no one was going to stop me.

I knew I wanted to be a student at the bible college during the fall.

I knew I wanted to be on summer staff at the church camp during the summer.

I knew I wanted to be on full time staff at the bible college, church and church camp.

So I did.

I made the commitment to myself and to God to be faithful to the place who raised me to be confident, graceful, faithful and a hard worker.

At 17 years old, I left my mom’s apartment in Pasadena and went on to Columbus where I would attend bible college with a lot of my closest friends whom I grew up with at the camp. Eventually I found my “niche” running sound & stayed on staff for 3 and a half years. Countless hours, thousands of people on campus and most of all, very. little. pay. But hey, I didn’t need money because I had God, right? He’ll help me out, right? Put all your faith in the Lord & He will provide and protect you.

When I decided to leave I was 20. I had a plan and it immediately fell through 2 weeks before I was suppose to leave. Luckily, I had a friend in Conroe who allowed me to rent out her extra room. I stayed for 6 months.

It was a weird time in Conroe. I tried to be apart of my friends church. I volunteered as a Sunday school teacher (came up with lesson plans and games for toddlers) and assisted in the youth ministry. I helped with sound as well.

I eventually was hired by this local women’s ministry. They were familiar with the bible college, church camp and church I used to work at so I immediately gained favor with the director. I became one of her assistants.

I got to travel with her, be /used/ at the thrift store the ministry owned at and at the shelter for juvenile girls.

It was fun but demanding of a spiritual lifestyle. which was not a problem for me at the time. I could dedicate my life to that just as I did for the camp and bible college.

After 6 months, a close friend of mine invited me to La Porte to meet her youth and pastors. I was hoping to get a job at her church so I could be closer to my mom.

I got the job. I was with the church in La Porte for a year and a half. During my time there I did a lot. It was ministry so I was at the church more than I was anywhere else. I didn’t mind because I was apart of the church. apart of something “bigger than myself.” I was needed. and I loved being needed. Who doesn’t?

I was young, passionate about God, people and I was “taken care of” by the church.

All while I was working at the church I had my inner demons. I started drinking (not heavily just for fun & it was occasionally) with friends (some who worked at the church as well.) Am I proud of that? No- did I care? Of course. I told my mentor and pastors wife about it.

I had hoped to get some sort of forgiveness/acceptance from this but that wasn’t the case in my opinion.

BREAK

Man, I am mad at God.

I am mad at myself.

All the time I spent serving faithfully. not complaining. Just saying yes sir or yes ma’am to my elders. God forbid you talk back you’d be disowned & looked down upon. I wanted to be looked up too like all the other people on the stage. But it turns out. You have to be a really really really good puppet to be on a stage.

I was a puppet behind the scenes, though.

*Ouch. that hurt but it’s true.*

Back to La Porte.

Like I said before I was hoping to receive some sort of forgiveness and/or acceptance but I didn’t receive it. Because I admitted my faults to leadership it was used against me. (the leadership in this picture will most likely disagree but this is my point of view and I need to get this out like I said before.)

Never have I ever realized truly how evil people can be.

I did everything I was told. I did it with what I thought was excellence because that’s how I was taught.

But since I confessed my wrong doings I felt I was /shunned/. Even before when I left the bible college I grew up at. I felt shunned.

Shunned by the church. Shunned by the people who I grew up with. I felt like I was outcasted because I wanted to explore the world.

I wanted to see everything God created. I wanted to meet all of Gods people. I wanted to help where help was needed. I wanted to share God’s faithfulness.

But now… Now I am mad at myself and God.

I can’t bring myself to attend a church. I can’t even hang out or talk to my christian friends.

Why? because their sole belief is that “god is good all the time” no.

no he’s not good.

he’s created shitty people.

people who take advantage of young people who truly wanted to help.

maybe I’m just talking crazy but honestly if I’m crazy then that’s okay.

I am mad at God because I spent my entire fucking life serving him. Worshiping him. Giving him everything I had even when I had shit nothing. It might break your heart like it’s broken mine to type all this out but dude.

I believe I gave everything and every inch my heart, mind and soul to him.

and Here I am.

mad. mad at the people I let in my life who I let use me. mad at the bible college i grew up at because no one there actually ever cared about me. maybe it’s just my daddy issues reflecting and that’s why I am so mad?

Either way.

My heart is cold towards the church and God.

I don’t know when or how my heart will “melt” but right now.

I am mad.

Keep your heart guarded. Keep your mind open. & don’t believe the hype.

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