color changing hair.

img_20161227_140813_475It’s 2017 and my hair is mostly green.

In the last few weeks of 2016 I decided to go off the deep end and finally do something I’ve always wanted to do but felt like the time wasn’t right. Well the time is right and I did it. I went to my good friend who is also a hair stylist and she dyed my hair blonde then blue and green with a little bit of purple. I love it.

If you notice the women in your life usually change their hair color or style when something happens. Good or bad. As for me, I had signed up for classes again after having the summer and fall semesters off. I am signed up for 5 classes. 2 online and 3 in person. I am beyond excited but also a little scared. I know I can do it with the help of Josh cheering me on like he does best.

During my time off I discovered a lot about myself. I went to several counseling sessions and will continue to do so. I understand not a lot of people agree with going to counseling for mental illness but it’s helping me.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (ppd) after having C.J. It wasn’t him. It was me or is me. I’m gonna be very selective with what I say here because I know a few people who are reading will most likely jump down my throat for typing this out although I feel like I need to close the door of my ppd season. This is how I will close that door.

PPD sucks. Crying. Not being able to feel love. Feeling hopeless. Sad. regretting every decision I ever made. Feeling lumpy. depressed. not being able to relate to the happy moms on Facebook. I did not have a good few months but I feel like I did my best with Calvin with the help of Josh, his parents, my mom, Roel, Giovanna and Jon Rau. They all made sure I was able to live freely and openly without judgment. They are the best.

As I began to open myself up to my counselors I received a lot of clarity and I feel like I was given a purpose in life again.

Yes, I lost track of my purpose. I lost track of me. I didn’t have a great pregnancy and I didn’t have a great few months with being a new mom. I know I could’ve been more positive or prayed a little more but that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t be fixed with a few good words or praying to a god I no longer feel connected with. (that feels good to say out loud and to type out.) I understand now that it is 100% okay to say “hey my life sucks right now.” even if someone else doesn’t feel the same about MY life (because that’s a thing people do.)

Which I appreciate when people care. I appreciate when people share their concerns about our life or when they try to help. We both appreciate it. Although, when you don’t /actually/ care, you say you do but your actions don’t show it- it’s kinda hard to hear from you. This isn’t about anyone specific either. I am eating my own words too because I can be the same way.

All in all, this past year has been the toughest but the best. Josh is a great husband and dad. C.J. is the best baby I could have ever imagined and I am finally at a place in my life where I love the skin I am in.

Thank you to Josh for being there for me and with me every step of the way. Thank you to our family and friends for loving me, encouraging me and supporting me. I hope I am able to write more this year but if I don’t then I don’t.

Y’all have a great year ❤

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to my husband

hey josh,

I’ve expressed my feelings for you many times in person but I’ve decided to blog about them this time.

In a few days or moments we are going to be parents. Can you believe it? Yeah… I guess I can too. ;p

I can wait though and the only reason I say I can wait is because I am going to miss us. Not like we are gonna vanish once we have a kid but most of our time will be towards raising an adult. I am glad we are doing this together though.

I am going to miss our wine and cheese afternoons.

I am going to miss making burritos for days.

I am going to miss taking lots of pictures of the cats.

I am going to miss our trips to Austin.

I am going to miss going to Traders Village just for elote and licuados.

I am going to miss lots of things.

I am so grateful to have had many moments alone with you and for the many moments to come when Calvin arrives. You are going to be the best dad you can be and I can’t wait to co-parent with you. I love you so much.

I’d say more but we both know I’d ramble and blab things I probably shouldn’t say on the internet.

With that said…

I’ll miss you, Josh, my husband. I can’t wait to get to know, Josh, my husband and father to my child.

illmissus

Accomodations

We are days away from meeting Calvin Jon Pinkerton & I’ve decided to open up my blog again. The past several months have been chaotic, emotional and fun for Josh and I.

As some of you know, I started the fall semester pregnant and ended up being invited to join the honor’s society for collegiate scholars (ooOoo lala.) Now, I am finishing my pregnancy while still attending HCC full time with the help of accomodations (thank the legal gods.) This school semester has been a roller-coaster on it’s own. So many surprises and lots of emotional distress.

On February 14th, Josh and I took Michelle (Josh’s mom) out for Valentine’s dinner and we ended up in a 4 car pile up which totaled Josh’s car. I was sitting in the back seat, Josh was driving and Michelle was in the passenger seat. The airbags went off, we were all wearing our seat belts and it was one of the most traumatic events that I’ve experienced in my twenties. We went to the hospital afterwards to make sure CJ was a-okay. While at the hospital I started to have contractions and I was given two shots to stop them. I advised the nurse that I did not want to have to go into labor unless I absolutely had too. Luckily, I was given those shots (which I didn’t enjoy because of the side effects.)and the contractions subsided. About 5 hours later we were out and headed home.

At the beginning of our pregnancy I didn’t know how CJ could have survived. We had spent the last 6 weeks (his first 6 weeks) road tripping, dancing, hiking, jumping on trampolines, drinking margies and beer… I didn’t think I’d get this far in my pregnancy. (Don’t give me shit for thinking that either please and thank you.) So After this big accident, I still couldn’t believe how much of a fighter CJ is.

About a month later, I had a Dr appointment and my sisters came with me. Afterwards, we went to Gringos for lunch and headed back to my house because I needed to get to class. We were stopped at the toll. I had just paid and I was about to drive off when the guy behind me rear ended me. There was zero damage but of course. I was still shaken up from the last accident. I froze. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk. I just froze. We took down the young man’s information and I headed home to Josh then we went to the hospital. Again. I got through the check up and CJ was yet again, a-okay. He was moving around a lot and kicking. I had the minimal contractions but nothing big. About an hour later I was discharged.

After this event I decided I needed to tell Calvin Jon via email everything he’d gone through during his time in my womb. I read a quote the other day that really hit me that’s pertaining to birth and death… “Birth always looks like death from the other side..” which is unbelievably true. Of course, we can’t interview anyone who has come straight out of the womb otherwise this is the best interpretation to describe the process of birth and death.

All in all, our pregnancy story has been a roller-coaster of life changing events. Every birth story is different. Every pregnancy is different. And that is something I can never forget and won’t forget.

Also, I’m two days past my due date. We are all waiting on Calvin Jon to make his appearance any day now.

goodthingstaketime