It’s 2017 and my hair is mostly green.
In the last few weeks of 2016 I decided to go off the deep end and finally do something I’ve always wanted to do but felt like the time wasn’t right. Well the time is right and I did it. I went to my good friend who is also a hair stylist and she dyed my hair blonde then blue and green with a little bit of purple. I love it.
If you notice the women in your life usually change their hair color or style when something happens. Good or bad. As for me, I had signed up for classes again after having the summer and fall semesters off. I am signed up for 5 classes. 2 online and 3 in person. I am beyond excited but also a little scared. I know I can do it with the help of Josh cheering me on like he does best.
During my time off I discovered a lot about myself. I went to several counseling sessions and will continue to do so. I understand not a lot of people agree with going to counseling for mental illness but it’s helping me.
I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (ppd) after having C.J. It wasn’t him. It was me or is me. I’m gonna be very selective with what I say here because I know a few people who are reading will most likely jump down my throat for typing this out although I feel like I need to close the door of my ppd season. This is how I will close that door.
PPD sucks. Crying. Not being able to feel love. Feeling hopeless. Sad. regretting every decision I ever made. Feeling lumpy. depressed. not being able to relate to the happy moms on Facebook. I did not have a good few months but I feel like I did my best with Calvin with the help of Josh, his parents, my mom, Roel, Giovanna and Jon Rau. They all made sure I was able to live freely and openly without judgment. They are the best.
As I began to open myself up to my counselors I received a lot of clarity and I feel like I was given a purpose in life again.
Yes, I lost track of my purpose. I lost track of me. I didn’t have a great pregnancy and I didn’t have a great few months with being a new mom. I know I could’ve been more positive or prayed a little more but that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t be fixed with a few good words or praying to a god I no longer feel connected with. (that feels good to say out loud and to type out.) I understand now that it is 100% okay to say “hey my life sucks right now.” even if someone else doesn’t feel the same about MY life (because that’s a thing people do.)
Which I appreciate when people care. I appreciate when people share their concerns about our life or when they try to help. We both appreciate it. Although, when you don’t /actually/ care, you say you do but your actions don’t show it- it’s kinda hard to hear from you. This isn’t about anyone specific either. I am eating my own words too because I can be the same way.
All in all, this past year has been the toughest but the best. Josh is a great husband and dad. C.J. is the best baby I could have ever imagined and I am finally at a place in my life where I love the skin I am in.
Thank you to Josh for being there for me and with me every step of the way. Thank you to our family and friends for loving me, encouraging me and supporting me. I hope I am able to write more this year but if I don’t then I don’t.
Y’all have a great year ❤