bitter daze.

I am mad at God.

For a lot a reasons. Some I would rather keep private. But some I need to share publicly so I can move forward.

At a young age, I was exposed to God & the church.

Church was my hiding place. I would volunteer week after week. Pass out flyers, help out on bus routes to & from church on Wednesday’s, clean the buses etc etc If anyone needed help I was there to help.

I was about 9 or 10 when I started volunteering at kid’s church.

When I was 12 I started interning at church camp, by myself. I saved all my birthday money and did my own fundraisers at school. (I would sell candy to my classmates.) Whatever it took, right?

During my time at church camp (I interned for 5 summers) I knew who I wanted to be, I knew what I wanted to do and nothing and no one was going to stop me.

I knew I wanted to be a student at the bible college during the fall.

I knew I wanted to be on summer staff at the church camp during the summer.

I knew I wanted to be on full time staff at the bible college, church and church camp.

So I did.

I made the commitment to myself and to God to be faithful to the place who raised me to be confident, graceful, faithful and a hard worker.

At 17 years old, I left my mom’s apartment in Pasadena and went on to Columbus where I would attend bible college with a lot of my closest friends whom I grew up with at the camp. Eventually I found my “niche” running sound & stayed on staff for 3 and a half years. Countless hours, thousands of people on campus and most of all, very. little. pay. But hey, I didn’t need money because I had God, right? He’ll help me out, right? Put all your faith in the Lord & He will provide and protect you.

When I decided to leave I was 20. I had a plan and it immediately fell through 2 weeks before I was suppose to leave. Luckily, I had a friend in Conroe who allowed me to rent out her extra room. I stayed for 6 months.

It was a weird time in Conroe. I tried to be apart of my friends church. I volunteered as a Sunday school teacher (came up with lesson plans and games for toddlers) and assisted in the youth ministry. I helped with sound as well.

I eventually was hired by this local women’s ministry. They were familiar with the bible college, church camp and church I used to work at so I immediately gained favor with the director. I became one of her assistants.

I got to travel with her, be /used/ at the thrift store the ministry owned at and at the shelter for juvenile girls.

It was fun but demanding of a spiritual lifestyle. which was not a problem for me at the time. I could dedicate my life to that just as I did for the camp and bible college.

After 6 months, a close friend of mine invited me to La Porte to meet her youth and pastors. I was hoping to get a job at her church so I could be closer to my mom.

I got the job. I was with the church in La Porte for a year and a half. During my time there I did a lot. It was ministry so I was at the church more than I was anywhere else. I didn’t mind because I was apart of the church. apart of something “bigger than myself.” I was needed. and I loved being needed. Who doesn’t?

I was young, passionate about God, people and I was “taken care of” by the church.

All while I was working at the church I had my inner demons. I started drinking (not heavily just for fun & it was occasionally) with friends (some who worked at the church as well.) Am I proud of that? No- did I care? Of course. I told my mentor and pastors wife about it.

I had hoped to get some sort of forgiveness/acceptance from this but that wasn’t the case in my opinion.

BREAK

Man, I am mad at God.

I am mad at myself.

All the time I spent serving faithfully. not complaining. Just saying yes sir or yes ma’am to my elders. God forbid you talk back you’d be disowned & looked down upon. I wanted to be looked up too like all the other people on the stage. But it turns out. You have to be a really really really good puppet to be on a stage.

I was a puppet behind the scenes, though.

*Ouch. that hurt but it’s true.*

Back to La Porte.

Like I said before I was hoping to receive some sort of forgiveness and/or acceptance but I didn’t receive it. Because I admitted my faults to leadership it was used against me. (the leadership in this picture will most likely disagree but this is my point of view and I need to get this out like I said before.)

Never have I ever realized truly how evil people can be.

I did everything I was told. I did it with what I thought was excellence because that’s how I was taught.

But since I confessed my wrong doings I felt I was /shunned/. Even before when I left the bible college I grew up at. I felt shunned.

Shunned by the church. Shunned by the people who I grew up with. I felt like I was outcasted because I wanted to explore the world.

I wanted to see everything God created. I wanted to meet all of Gods people. I wanted to help where help was needed. I wanted to share God’s faithfulness.

But now… Now I am mad at myself and God.

I can’t bring myself to attend a church. I can’t even hang out or talk to my christian friends.

Why? because their sole belief is that “god is good all the time” no.

no he’s not good.

he’s created shitty people.

people who take advantage of young people who truly wanted to help.

maybe I’m just talking crazy but honestly if I’m crazy then that’s okay.

I am mad at God because I spent my entire fucking life serving him. Worshiping him. Giving him everything I had even when I had shit nothing. It might break your heart like it’s broken mine to type all this out but dude.

I believe I gave everything and every inch my heart, mind and soul to him.

and Here I am.

mad. mad at the people I let in my life who I let use me. mad at the bible college i grew up at because no one there actually ever cared about me. maybe it’s just my daddy issues reflecting and that’s why I am so mad?

Either way.

My heart is cold towards the church and God.

I don’t know when or how my heart will “melt” but right now.

I am mad.

Keep your heart guarded. Keep your mind open. & don’t believe the hype.

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Starting and Finishing

Many moons ago, I said yes to Jesus. I said yes to what he had in store for me. I followed and heeded to his voice. I put my heart and soul into ministry, to his people & his work. I guarded my heart and my dreams, accordingly but that wasn’t all I was supposed to do.

Over a few months, I lost sight of what God called me to do when I was 16 years old. I lost track of what my purpose was and is. Which happens to everyone. God is faithful though. He still loves me. He still hears me. He is still with me. Since 2015 has started I decided I needed to get my life in order.

Of course when you line up with the word of God in your heart and mind, chaos follows. God is faithful though. From funerals to baby showers and weddings, my emotions have been a bit all over the place. I want to celebrate the life given on earth and the lives who are celebrating in Heaven but you know what? It’s hard. God is faithful though. When life is the hardest, it’s easy for those who know you and love you unconditionally to pray and support you. Whether it be with a funny picture or cute pictures of animals or reminding them of the good times you had with those people. I do have to say there were tears of joy and tears of brokenness but nonetheless The Holy Spirit came in with a great wind of peace over my heart and mind.

As part of getting my life in order, I took on a new job opportunity (since September 2014) & I enrolled in college. My current job is being a nanny for some of the most challenging and beautiful kids. I realized that teaching is a gift that’s been given to me so I am attending college to become an elementary teacher. Once, I accomplish being a 3rd grade teacher, I plan on making my way up to the administration side of education. Hopefully, by being a superintendent when I’m in my late-30’s. If the superintendent career doesn’t work out then who knows, maybe I’ll open up my own school. 😛

I started the semester in January with a 4 wk math class & now I am taking Intro to Education & an English class. So far, I am being challenged but I love it.

On February 18th, 2015, I made a decision. That decision is, “today I say yes to Jesus and everything that he has to offer me today.” No, I am not perfect. No, I will not immediately start attending a local church. No, I will not stop using curse words every day. No, I will not stop drinking wine. You can look up to me and ask me for advice and I will be honest with you. That is the best I can do though. If you look up to me & are disappointed with my actions. I am not sorry. I am a human. I make mistakes. I do whats best for myself and for my family. By the way, my family has increased.

I would like to welcome Munchie Pinkerton to the Pinkerton Family! He’s a 9 week old Blue heeler. His favorite toy is a pink and red love monster & a plastic pineapple. He likes to munch on everything and everyone. He’s friendly and tries to bark at dogs bigger than him. He loves running after Josh and myself & he started puppy training this past Sunday. I hope every one gets to meet him one day because he’s super fluffy and cute! Check out my instagram for more photos!

Back to the main focus of today’s blog. Every day is new. God forgives, God loves, & God is faithful.

Thank you Jesus for giving me another chance to live for you.

Dude, God. Bro. Man.

Several years ago, I heard a teaching by Scott Crenshaw. It was my favorite teaching. I listened to it over and over again for many years now. He shared a story in this teaching about a kid who had just rededicated his life to Jesus. He was the type of kid who many called a stoner, hippie or a peace lovin dude. One night at youth this kid was asked to pray for everyone & so he did. The youth leader was very nervous because this kid was a undignified person. He was himself. At all times. Genuine. Authentic. The real deal. This kid starts to pray & says something along the lines like this, “Dude man God. you are so cool. thank you for loving us & giving us this time to hang out with you. alright well i’ll talk to you later man.” When I think about people who I would want to be like, I think about this kid.

For about a year now, I’ve been weighing my options & deciding who I think I am, who God says I am & who I am for others. I’ve decided that who I am and where I’ve been are two different things. My past whether it was good or bad- helpful or hurtful- it is my past. If the people who surround me can not except that then I apologize although if I were who I was at the age of 16 I don’t believe I’d have my job. Or Josh.

 

What this blog post all comes down to is my belief in God. The sweet struggle of believing & having faith in God the trinity is so hard. By far one of the hardest decisions of my life. When I was much younger I always knew God existed. When I even try to believe God doesn’t exist my heart stops & I get all like Eminem, vomit on my sweater moms spaghetti-nervous with sweaty palms. Etc, Etc.

Lately, when I think about the kid in the teaching Scott spoke about years ago- I strive to get to back to that place. Where the only thing that matters is pleasing Jesus & loving people. I know some folks might look at my life & believe I’m some fallen away TBI alumni Which I am. I’ve fallen away from believing what I was told to believe to believing what I know in my heart & the experiences Ive been able to experience with a clear mindset.

If you don’t agree with me & have taken the time to read this blog post- thank you. I know God is faithful to complete what He has started in me.

Dios Fiel folks!
Love always,

Mrs. Pinkerton